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    5 Ways To Overcome Co-dependence

    January 29, 2018

    Do another person’s wants and needs come before your own?  Do you find yourself trying to solve the unsolvable problem of changing someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors because you have accepted responsibility them? Are you constantly trying to please others even at the expense of yourself? Does setting healthy boundaries sound impossible and rejecting […]

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    5 Ways To Overcome Co-dependence

    January 29, 2018

    Do another person’s wants and needs come before your own?  Do you find yourself trying to solve the unsolvable problem of changing someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors because you have accepted responsibility them? Are you constantly trying to please others even at the expense of yourself? Does setting healthy boundaries sound impossible and rejecting to someone you love? Are you stuck in an unhealthy relationship because you just can’t let go?

    If you said “yes” to some or all of the above questions, you have some of the symptoms of co-dependency. Co-dependent people tend to look to others to tell them what they should feel, need, and act like. While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful trait, people with co-dependent tendencies take it to an extreme and are hurt because of an inability to create healthy boundaries.

    So why do we need boundaries? Just like the having walls and doors in our home, boundaries separate us from the outer world and allow us to choose what gets in.  They help us understand what is ours and what is someone else’s.  That way you don’t have to hold responsibility for other’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and get hurt and frustrated in the process.  Rather, you can be caring and supportive to others while letting go of the guilt and pressure to fix them.

    While all long-term patterns take time and effort to change, there are things you can do to overcome co-dependency.  Just keep in mind that there is extra challenge, because the other person or people in your life might not like or support these changes, at least at first. Just remember that the hard work is worth it to build healthier relationships with yourself and others!

    1. Recognize Any Denial

    The first step to change is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the problem. Our brains are really good at justifying what we are doing or want to believe.  “It’s okay if I have a second piece of pie, I had a really hard day and I’ll go for an extra long walk tomorrow.”  While it can feel scary to admit to being involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty is the first step toward healing.  Facing the problem allows you to build a better relationship dynamic or let go of people who can’t or won’t be healthy partners for you.

    2. Study Your Past

    The next step on your path to healing  is to take a look at your family history to uncover experiences that may have contributed to your co-dependency. What were relationships like in your family of origin? What messages or events led to you to disconnect from your inner emotions?  Who told you that their reality was more valid than what your inner voice told you?

    This can be a difficult process and one that involves reliving childhood emotions. You may find that you feel guilty for admitting you were wounded in your formative years by people who you care about.  This type of work can be difficult and is best done in a safe therapeutic relationship.

    3. Detach from Unhealthy Involvements

    In order to truly work on ourselves, we have to first detach from what we are obsessed with. Personal growth will require giving up the over-involvement with trying to change, control, or please someone else.  While this sometimes means letting go of the relationship, it can also mean changing how we see our role in the relationship. Learning to differentiate what is ours or not ours and letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not ours.

    4. Learn Self-care

    Giving up your excessive attempts to please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary. It’s important that you first begin to become aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and needs.  Then learn how to communicate them in a relationship. This may feel selfish, but try thinking of it as putting on your oxygen mask in a plane.  If you put yours on first, you can help all of the people around you, if you don’t you will passed out in the isle. Self care not only makes us feel better, but it also gives us more resources to share.

    5. Get Good at Saying “No”

    One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say “no” to situations that are not healthy for you. This will feel awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become.  It will also mean that when you say “yes,” you can feel good about what you have agreed to.

    Seeking the guidance of a therapist will be beneficial as you work your way through these five steps. They will be able to help you safely explore your painful feelings and experiences and learn healthy ways of relating to yourself and others. If you or a loved one is co-dependent and interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today for a free initial consultation session.

    Filed Under: Abuse/Neglect, Anxiety, Depression, Self-Esteem

    Healing from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    January 15, 2018

    Our early interactions with our parents, or primary caregivers, form the basis of how we see ourselves and others.  Growing up, many of us heard messages like kids are meant “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak until you are spoken to.” These messages are not a problem when it is pulled out […]

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    Healing from Childhood Emotional Neglect

    January 15, 2018

    Our early interactions with our parents, or primary caregivers, form the basis of how we see ourselves and others.  Growing up, many of us heard messages like kids are meant “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak until you are spoken to.” These messages are not a problem when it is pulled out selectively, like to survive holiday dinners with as little stress as possible.  However, when a child is consistently given the message that he/she doesn’t matter, it is difficult to grow into an adult capable of healthy relationships with self and others.

    Children who suffer from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), were raised to believe that not only do their ideas not matter, but neither do their feelings or needs.  This chronic neglect, this lack of being treated as a valuable person, gives the message “you don’t matter.”

    These children grow up to become adults who still believe they don’t matter, and that they shouldn’t burden others with their needs or feelings. This cycle of worthlessness is painful and destructive, but it can be broken.

    Here are 3 ways you can start to heal from childhood emotional neglect:

    1. Embrace Your Needs and Emotions

    You most likely grew up believing your own needs and emotions were the enemy or would get you in trouble. You may have even been made to feel ashamed because of them.

    In order to heal you must change your relationship with these aspects of yourself.  Learning to recognize and to embrace your needs and emotions allows you to have a fuller life experience.  You can start to do this by observing and validating your own emotions. When understood and managed, emotions can provide valuable information, propel us, and help facilitate positive change.

    1. Invite People into Your Life

    Growing up, you might have felt like adults were dangerous. After all, it was the adults in your life that made you feel worthless. Now that you are grown, you may still have a natural instinct to keep people at a safe distance to protect yourself. In order to heal, you have to stop pushing people away, instead, invite them into your life. When we form relationships with genuine, caring and honest people, we feel good about ourselves while adding value to our lives.

    1. Get to Know Who You Really Are

    Survivors of CEN all have one thing in common: they don’t really know themselves. That’s because the people in their lives who should know them the best and accept them unconditionally wouldn’t or couldn’t connect in this way.

    Now is the time for you to fully recognize the truth, you are absolutely worth knowing! It is your responsibility to get to know yourself and show yourself the love and acceptance that you did not receive as a child. Knowing who you are, what you like, want, need, love, value, desire in this life will give you a firm foundation from which to propel yourself into an awesome future.

    Recovering from any kind of emotional trauma is not easy. It is a personal journey that will contain many highs and lows. However, taking the journey, one step at a time, will lead you to a wonderful life, one that you deserve. If you or a loved one is suffering from CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me for a free consultation session.

    Filed Under: Abuse/Neglect, Anxiety, Depression

    Jody Kircher, PsyD, C.Psych
    303-862-2501
    613-704-7534

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