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Our early interactions with our parents, or primary caregivers, form the basis of how we see ourselves and others. Growing up, many of us heard messages like kids are meant “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak until you are spoken to.” These messages are not a problem when it is pulled out […]
Our early interactions with our parents, or primary caregivers, form the basis of how we see ourselves and others. Growing up, many of us heard messages like kids are meant “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak until you are spoken to.” These messages are not a problem when it is pulled out selectively, like to survive holiday dinners with as little stress as possible. However, when a child is consistently given the message that he/she doesn’t matter, it is difficult to grow into an adult capable of healthy relationships with self and others.
Children who suffer from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), were raised to believe that not only do their ideas not matter, but neither do their feelings or needs. This chronic neglect, this lack of being treated as a valuable person, gives the message “you don’t matter.”
These children grow up to become adults who still believe they don’t matter, and that they shouldn’t burden others with their needs or feelings. This cycle of worthlessness is painful and destructive, but it can be broken.
Here are 3 ways you can start to heal from childhood emotional neglect:
You most likely grew up believing your own needs and emotions were the enemy or would get you in trouble. You may have even been made to feel ashamed because of them.
In order to heal you must change your relationship with these aspects of yourself. Learning to recognize and to embrace your needs and emotions allows you to have a fuller life experience. You can start to do this by observing and validating your own emotions. When understood and managed, emotions can provide valuable information, propel us, and help facilitate positive change.
Growing up, you might have felt like adults were dangerous. After all, it was the adults in your life that made you feel worthless. Now that you are grown, you may still have a natural instinct to keep people at a safe distance to protect yourself. In order to heal, you have to stop pushing people away, instead, invite them into your life. When we form relationships with genuine, caring and honest people, we feel good about ourselves while adding value to our lives.
Survivors of CEN all have one thing in common: they don’t really know themselves. That’s because the people in their lives who should know them the best and accept them unconditionally wouldn’t or couldn’t connect in this way.
Now is the time for you to fully recognize the truth, you are absolutely worth knowing! It is your responsibility to get to know yourself and show yourself the love and acceptance that you did not receive as a child. Knowing who you are, what you like, want, need, love, value, desire in this life will give you a firm foundation from which to propel yourself into an awesome future.
Recovering from any kind of emotional trauma is not easy. It is a personal journey that will contain many highs and lows. However, taking the journey, one step at a time, will lead you to a wonderful life, one that you deserve. If you or a loved one is suffering from CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me for a free consultation session.
Life is full of moments that cause us to feel stressed or nervous. Situations like public speaking, starting a new school, and trying to ace that important job interview can make us fearful, resulting in sleepless nights and performance jitters. However, when the fear becomes persistent and overwhelming and interferes with everyday life, “normal fear” […]
Life is full of moments that cause us to feel stressed or nervous. Situations like public speaking, starting a new school, and trying to ace that important job interview can make us fearful, resulting in sleepless nights and performance jitters.
However, when the fear becomes persistent and overwhelming and interferes with everyday life, “normal fear” becomes a full-blown anxiety disorder.
While a licensed therapist should be consulted to develop a plan for treating your anxiety disorder, yoga can be helpful addition. It is an effective and natural way to get some relief from symptoms like trouble sleeping, muscle tension, and chronic digestive upset.
Yoga, it turns out, can help in anxiety management in a few different ways:
1. Yoga Builds Confidence
Anxiety can result from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle negative situations that may arise. We are not so much fearful of public speaking, as we are fearful that we are somehow going to “mess it up” or “look like a fool.”
Yoga is a major confidence-builder because it works to strengthen the body and mind at the same time. The practice includes body postures, breathing techniques, and meditation, which can help a person feel calm, centered, and ready to take on new challenges.
2. Yoga Distracts Your Mind from the Negative Loop
What can you do when your mind seems to be stuck on an endless loop of negative and worrisome thoughts? Purposefully put you mind somewhere else.
Yoga trains a person to focus their thoughts on the moment, specifically by thinking only of their rhythmic breath and body posture. As soon as the mind wanders to its typical negative thinking, the practitioner simply guides it back to the breath and body without anger or judgement. Feelings of calmness and acceptance naturally follow intense breath work and mindfulness.
3. Yoga is like Your Inner Therapist
Yoga is a wonderful compliment to therapy because, like your therapist, yoga helps you to observe how your inner world. And, also like your therapist, there is no judgement involved. Mediation is simply about paying attention to the thoughts and feelings that you are having, thereby giving you choice in how you respond through awareness.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment for your anxiety disorder, please contact me today for a free consultation session.
Some people seem to be born with thinner skin, like their nerves are on the outside. These people tend to be more sensitive than their parents, brothers and sisters, or the kids in their class. They can’t get through a movie (even a comedy!) or a TV commercial without shedding a few tears. The slightest […]
Some people seem to be born with thinner skin, like their nerves are on the outside. These people tend to be more sensitive than their parents, brothers and sisters, or the kids in their class. They can’t get through a movie (even a comedy!) or a TV commercial without shedding a few tears. The slightest bit of criticism causes them real pain, and they are empathic to anyone around them.
Chances are these people are told by everyone, “You’re too sensitive!” Well the truth is, some people are more sensitive than others. They are not only sensitive to emotions, but also to energy, sound, light, and other physical stimulus. These people are, literally, called Highly Sensitive People, or HSP for short.
Are You a Highly Sensitive Person? See if the following characteristics ring true for you.
You’re very emotional
Whether positive or negative, you experience emotions intensely, react strongly to them, and cry easily.
You’re very compassionate and generous
You have always been a natural caretaker, seeking to offer comfort and help to those who suffer. You also go out of your way to avoid offending anyone or hurting their feelings.
You’re sensitive to criticism
Criticism doesn’t feel constructive, it feels personal and painful. You are not able to let it roll off your shoulders as others do, and therefore allow criticism to keep you safe in your comfort zone.
You feel different from everyone else and sometimes alone
You’ve always known, or had it pointed out to you, that you were somehow different from everyone else. Because other people have told you that you need to “toughen up,” you see your sensitivity as a weakness and often feel alone.
You’re sensitive to external stimuli
While no one else around you seems to notice that the buzz of the overhead lights is driving you nuts! As is the sound of your coworkers chewing, the rough fabric of your shirt, and the smell of the extravagant flower arrangement.
You over think and worry
You notice every detail and over think what should be a simple decision, like where to go for lunch. You also get stuck in the rehashing and what-if rut.
You’re intuitive
You walk into a room and instantly get a “feel” for it. You know how people are feeling. This is fine when the energy is positive, but when it’s negative… watch out!
You’re often tired and overwhelmed
Because you deal with the emotions of yours and others, as well as, so much stimulation all day-every day, you easily become overwhelmed by all of it and feel as though you need to sleep more.
What You Can Do
Living life as a HSP is not easy, but there are some things you can do:
If at any time you find yourself feeling depressed or anxious because of your sensitivity, it’s important that you seek the guidance of a therapist who can help you manage your emotions. If you or a loved one are a HSP and would like to seek treatment options, please get in touch with me to schedule a free consultation session.
Quick question: Do you like yourself? When asked this question, many people respond by saying something like, “Sure, of course I like myself.” While their words say they like themselves, what do their actions say? Are you someone who’s comfortable in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance? Are you constantly comparing yourself […]
Quick question: Do you like yourself?
When asked this question, many people respond by saying something like, “Sure, of course I like myself.” While their words say they like themselves, what do their actions say?
Are you someone who’s comfortable in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance? Are you constantly comparing yourself to others, wishing you could be more like them? When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A superstar, or someone who doesn’t quite live up to your own expectations?
The thing is, our self-esteem is based on how we feel about ourselves, right now in this moment. Sure, it’s okay to strive to become a better version of ourselves, so long as we accept this current version, flaws and all is fine right now.
If you’re someone who is overly self-critical, here are 5 ways you can learn to like yourself better:
1. Enjoy Your Accomplishments
Some people are so focused on everything that’s wrong with them, they overlook at what’s right. When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you admit this success and enjoy it.
It doesn’t have to be something huge, either. Anytime you do something kind, something better than the last time you tried, or when you do the “right thing.” If you made a really delicious lasagna, allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every single bite and happily receive any compliments from those you cooked for. Or accept the “thank you” or smile you receive for holding the door for a stranger.
2. Understand That No One is Perfect
If you’ve been comparing yourself to other people, it’s time for you to stop and realize that no one is perfect. Not the models you see on the cover of magazines, nor the actors in the movies. They have professional makeup artists, careful lighting, and many of them have been photo-shopped.
Not even the so-called perfect among us are actually perfect. The sooner you can accept this fact the sooner you can relax and like who you are.
3. Have Patience with Yourself
Perhaps there are things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, get healthier, learn a new language?
Often we hate ourselves for not reaching impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are goals you would like to reach, be realistic in setting timelines and be patient with yourself. Also, make sure to give yourself credit for steps in the right direction. Liking yourself isn’t a place to get to, it is a way to live.
4. Look at Your Past with a Kind Eye
Sometimes we don’t like ourselves because of past actions and behaviors. It’s important to cut yourself some slack. When you were young, you may not have always acted kindly toward loved ones or strangers. Maybe you acted selfishly more often than you care to admit, but this is a part of being young. We can only learn and grow from mistakes by making them first.
So embrace your past, warts and all, as the path towards becoming who you are today. Then continue your journey knowing that the mistakes you make now are helping you grow into even better version of yourself tomorrow.
5. Like “Most” of Yourself
You may never like 100% of yourself, and that’s okay. Strive to like 80% or 90%. You can still live an incredibly happy life when you think ‘only’ 85% of you is awesome.
A healthy self-esteem is important to our overall well-being, but getting there can be difficult, especially if you’ve suffered from a low self-esteem your entire life. Working with a therapist can be very beneficial. Someone who is impartial and completely new to you can help you gain clarity and a new perspective on yourself and your life. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today to discuss setting up a free consultation session.
Most children are brought up to be kind and respectful of other people. They are taught to consider others’ feelings and help those in need. However, when it comes to taking care of themselves, many people lack the ability to put their own needs first. To some, the concept of self-care is as foreign as […]
Most children are brought up to be kind and respectful of other people. They are taught to consider others’ feelings and help those in need. However, when it comes to taking care of themselves, many people lack the ability to put their own needs first.
To some, the concept of self-care is as foreign as the language and customs of far away lands. The idea of putting their own needs first feels somehow wrong, or even selfish.
The good news is that it’s never too late to learn to treat yourself as you do others; to put yourself first in a healthy, energizing way. Here are some ways you can rewire your brain so it becomes increasingly easier to put yourself first, thereby recharging your life.
Learn to Say No
Being a caring and compassionate person is wonderful, but sacrificing yourself by saying “yes” all the time to other people’s needs will deplete your energy. As you learn to say “no,” it will be an adjustment for you and the people close to you. However, healthy people in your life will respect that you are caring for yourself. It will also give you more energy for when you do say “yes” and you will be genuinely agreeing to be there, so no passive-aggressive overflow from conflicted feelings. Try to start saying “no” more often and if any guilt pops up, remind yourself that you are saying “yes” to caring for yourself!
Ask for Help
When you’ve taken on the role of helping others, it can feel uncomfortable asking for help when you need it. After all, you’re the one people go to when in need how can you possibly allow yourself to be in a position where help is required?
The thing to remember is, some of these people who come to you for help feel no shame or discomfort in asking for it. They need help, they ask for it, they get it. So why not follow their lead? On the other hand, some people who have difficulty asking for help may feel better if it is a two-way street. You might actually help them feel that the relationship is balanced by asking them for help too. This can bring you closer together and get you the support that you need.
As soon as you release the pressure you’ve put on yourself to handle everything alone, you will feel a tremendous weight lifted and feel more connected to those around you.
Get to Know Yourself!
Do you know what makes you tick? What do you like and dislike? People who are wired to neglect their own needs don’t typically know themselves very well. Knowing oneself is seen as a luxury that they don’t deserve.
Self-love and self-care require you get to know your SELF. Take some time to discover what you enjoy. Once you find what it is that makes you feel good and commit to doing it more often. Look for balance in various domains that contribute to your satisfaction – fun, achievement, helping, exercise, etc. Having more pleasure in your life will make you a happier person.
Taking these actions will have a tremendous impact on your life. As you get better and better at putting your needs first, you will feel happier and more empowered. You will know, deep down, that your own needs matter and you are worth the effort.
Some people have a tremendously hard time with these exercises because they have a very low self-esteem. And the longer you have lived with a low self-esteem, the harder it is to make positive changes. In these instances, seeking the guidance of a trained therapist can be incredibly beneficial. He or she can help you work through any childhood trauma and provide tools to manage any anxiety or depression that often accompanies a low self-esteem. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today for a free session.
When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person. Now you may […]
When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.
Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.
Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.
That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.
Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.
Your inner critic is a part of you, not your core self. You were not born with this part, but developed it along the way to protect you. However, it has gotten overdeveloped over time and now may hurt more than it helps. Your inner critic doesn’t know that it isn’t really you and so acts as if it’s speaking in your voice.
You have to separate yourself from this part. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss Overprotective.” It doesn’t matter what the name is, but try to avoid increasing the negativity in your choice.
What matters most is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.
When you recognize your inner critic is speaking to you, thank it for trying to help, but let it know that you don’t need it’s protection in that way. Tell it you are choosing to be kind and compassionate to yourself from now on. Invite the critical part to take on a new supporting role, as you move forward towards health.
To create this new voice, start noticing the good things about yourself. No matter what that critic said about you, the truth is you have fantastic traits and abilities. Start focusing on those. Yes, it will be hard at first to let yourself see you in a positive light, but the more you do it, the easier it will get.
Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up. Take these 4 steps and learn to quiet that inner critic and increase your self compassion.
Some people’s inner critic is stronger than others. Sometimes the greatest ally you can have in your corner is an impartial third-party, a therapist who can see you for who you really are. If you or a loved one could use some help quieting your inner critic and would like to explore therapy, contact me today to schedule a free consultation session.
If you do a search right now on Amazon books for the topic of “Happiness,” you will find page after page of titles, all claiming to know the secret to finding it. Why do we have an obsession with happiness? An even better questions is: why does happiness seem so difficult to find for many […]
If you do a search right now on Amazon books for the topic of “Happiness,” you will find page after page of titles, all claiming to know the secret to finding it. Why do we have an obsession with happiness? An even better questions is: why does happiness seem so difficult to find for many people?
At one time, humans were too busy staying alive to be concerned with whether or not they were happy. However, thanks to grocery stores and advances in health care, modern man now has the time to focus on self-growth.
An expanding body of research has also suggested that happiness doesn’t just feel good, it is linked to other benefits, such as better immune-system function and higher earnings. No wonder so many of us strive for it.
But what is happiness exactly? We feel happy when we are with the people we love, when we’re watching a funny movie, or eating our favorite pasta dish. When we say we want happiness, it seems more than just a momentary emotion that we are in search of.
So, what is it then?
Happiness is a state of mind, and as such, can be intentional and strategic. This is good news because it means we can intentionally make choices that lead to a positive state of mind – AKA happiness. We can look to the people who seem naturally happy and copy what they do.
And here’s what they do:
They Understand Growth is Painful
Many people play life safe. They eat at the same restaurants, vacation at the same place every year and spend time with the same people. However, sustained happiness is not about being safe and settled. It’s about discovery and growth, which require life lived outside of your comfort zone.
They Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff
Happy people don’t sweat the small stuff and they are not perfectionists. Rather, they possess a devil-may-care attitude about their performance. A review of research literature found that the happiest people, those who scored a 9 or 10 out of 10 on measures of life satisfaction, typically didn’t perform as well as moderately happy people in accomplishments such as grades, class attendance, or work salaries. So, balance is the key.
Keep trying your best for important goals, but allow for mistakes and don’t treat all areas of your life with the same intensity. Give full effort on that big presentation for work, but allow yourself to be mediocre at tennis. As long as you are having fun and getting some exercise, it is still a win!
They Feel Their Feelings
You would think that really happy people are happy all the time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
Psychologically healthy people are those that understand the importance of letting some things roll off their backs, as well as, feeling their genuine emotions. Happy people don’t deny their distasteful or uncomfortable emotions. They instead use their negative emotions as signals that something is wrong or out of balance. They use these negative emotions as motivation for change. This may be taking action now or learning a lesson for future challenges.
For instance, a happy person might feel jealous because a coworker got a promotion and they didn’t. Happy people don’t wallow in the feeling of jealousy. They see this emotion as an indicator that they could have done something differently to achieve a more desirable outcome.
If you don’t think you are as happy as you should be, try to take more risks, don’t sweat the small stuff, and feel your feelings while looking for ways to make better choices.
If you’ve always been someone who turns away from their emotions, it may be difficult to feel your feelings. A therapist can help you get acquainted with your emotional life and offer tools so you can navigate your emotions in the future. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today to schedule a free consultation session.
Many people are brought up to always be kind to others, but how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion or self-love can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home. Self-compassion is not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which are […]
Many people are brought up to always be kind to others, but how many of us were taught to be kind to ourselves? Self-compassion or self-love can often seem like a foreign concept, particularly to those raised in an abusive or unloving home.
Self-compassion is not to be confused with arrogance or conceit, which are usually indicators of a lack of self-love. Self-compassion has nothing to do with faux superiority and everything to do with being kind and gentle with oneself. It allows us to treat ourselves as we do our loved ones. Instead of harshly judging ourselves for any personal shortcomings, we can instead extend to ourselves unconditional love and acceptance, as we do for others.
Why is Self-Compassion Important?
Over the last decade, research has shown a correlation between self-compassion and overall psychological well-being. Self-compassion helps us recognize the difference between making a bad choice and being a bad person. It also helps us have greater connections with others and less depression, anxiety, and fear of failure.
A lack of self-compassion can take a toll on our personal and romantic relationships. How we treat ourselves is typically an indicator of how we let others treat us. The less love and compassion we have for ourselves the more likely we end up in abusive and dysfunctional relationships. When we have self-compassion, we are less likely to depend on others to validate our self-worth or “complete us.”
Here are 3 ways you can begin practicing self-compassion:
1. Treat Yourself as You Would a Small Child
You would never treat a small child the way you may sometimes treat yourself. You wouldn’t call a child “stupid” for making a poor decision. You certainly wouldn’t tell them they are unlovable and “will be alone forever.”
It may be hard treating yourself with such kindness in the beginning because you are not used to it. In those moments, decide to treat yourself as you would a child and see how much better it feels.
2. Practice Mindfulness
Self-criticism is a mental habit. In order to replace self-criticism with self-compassion, we must practice mindfulness.
When you find yourself caught up in that negative noise and mind chatter, stop, take a deep breath, and refocus your thoughts on something more positive about yourself. What qualities do you like about yourself? What have you done recently that you feel proud about? It can be anything, “I always make an effort to be on time,” or, “I made the cashier smile.”
When you do find yourself having negative thoughts, DO NOT chastise yourself for having them. Thank those negative thoughts for trying to protect you, tell them that you can handle the situation, and send them on their way to make room for positivity.
3. Give Yourself Permission to Be Human
At the end of the day, self-compassion is about being okay with our own humanity. It’s important to recognize that being human means being flawed, and that’s okay. You and the rest of the world have imperfections in common.
Give yourself permission to make mistakes and accept yourself, warts and all. You’ll be pleasantly surprised how much lighter and happier you will feel.
While it’s incredibly important to learn self-compassion, it’s not always easy cultivating new thought and behavioral patterns on your own. A therapist can give you the support, encouragement and guidance you need to help you make these positive changes in your life. If you or a loved one has struggled with self-compassion and would like to speak with someone, please give me a call to schedule your free consultation session.
Most people know that a healthy diet is important in managing weight and aging well. However, what many people don’t realize is that the foods we eat can significantly alter our mood. While eating foods rich in protein, antioxidants, and omega-3 fatty acids can help fight depression and other mood disorders, eating the wrong kinds […]
Most people know that a healthy diet is important in managing weight and aging well. However, what many people don’t realize is that the foods we eat can significantly alter our mood.
While eating foods rich in protein, antioxidants, and omega-3 fatty acids can help fight depression and other mood disorders, eating the wrong kinds of food can worsen symptoms of depression and anxiety.
If you have panic attacks or anxiety problems, it’s important that you can identify which foods may trigger or exacerbate symptoms. As a general rule, the following 5 foods should be avoided if you suffer from anxiety.
1. Coffee
Have you ever had one too many cups of coffee and a little while later had the jitters? Coffee can worsen existing anxiety and even cause it in people who don’t normally suffer from it. Caffeine increases cortisol levels (one of our “fight or flight” hormones), which in turn makes you feel stressed even when there is no external stressor.
Also, according to research, lower intakes of coffee (less than 6 cups per day) has been linked to less depressive symptoms.
2. Alcohol
It has been said that one or two glasses a day of alcohol, such as wine, is good for your heart. While this may be true for those that don’t suffer from depression and anxiety, those that do should steer clear of alcohol. The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism has stated that alcohol may worsen mood and contribute to anxiety.
3. Sugar
Often people reach for sugary foods like cookies and candy when dealing with emotional distress. While it may seem these sweat treats are soothing in the moment, sugar actually makes your negative feelings worse. A diet high in sugar causes spikes and drops in blood sugar levels, which can wreak havoc on your moods and cause you to have panic attacks and anxiety symptoms.
4. Trans Fat
It turns out trans fats found in foods like French fries and packaged snacks are not only bad for your health but for your mood as well. In fact, studies have found that foods containing trans fats, also called hydrogenated fats, can increase your risk of depression.
A study, published in the International Journal of Food Sciences and Nutrition, examined the brains of rats and found that prolonged consumption of trans fat led to more anxiety-like symptoms.
5. Gluten
You don’t have to have Celiac’s Disease to be bothered by gluten. Many people don’t realize they have an intolerance to gluten that often shows up in the form of anxiety and panic attacks. A study published in the U.S. National Library of Medicine found that those with gluten sensitivities are more prone to feeling anxious after eating wheat.
While cleaning up your diet can help you deal with your anxiety, sometimes diet alone is not enough. Therapy can help you to identify the root cause of your anxiety and cope with it. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today to schedule a free consultation session.