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Do another person’s wants and needs come before your own? Do you find yourself trying to solve the unsolvable problem of changing someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors because you have accepted responsibility them? Are you constantly trying to please others even at the expense of yourself? Does setting healthy boundaries sound impossible and rejecting […]
Do another person’s wants and needs come before your own? Do you find yourself trying to solve the unsolvable problem of changing someone else’s thoughts, feelings, or behaviors because you have accepted responsibility them? Are you constantly trying to please others even at the expense of yourself? Does setting healthy boundaries sound impossible and rejecting to someone you love? Are you stuck in an unhealthy relationship because you just can’t let go?
If you said “yes” to some or all of the above questions, you have some of the symptoms of co-dependency. Co-dependent people tend to look to others to tell them what they should feel, need, and act like. While most would agree that sensitivity to others is a wonderful trait, people with co-dependent tendencies take it to an extreme and are hurt because of an inability to create healthy boundaries.
So why do we need boundaries? Just like the having walls and doors in our home, boundaries separate us from the outer world and allow us to choose what gets in. They help us understand what is ours and what is someone else’s. That way you don’t have to hold responsibility for other’s thoughts, feelings, and behaviors and get hurt and frustrated in the process. Rather, you can be caring and supportive to others while letting go of the guilt and pressure to fix them.
While all long-term patterns take time and effort to change, there are things you can do to overcome co-dependency. Just keep in mind that there is extra challenge, because the other person or people in your life might not like or support these changes, at least at first. Just remember that the hard work is worth it to build healthier relationships with yourself and others!
1. Recognize Any Denial
The first step to change is to be honest with yourself and acknowledge the problem. Our brains are really good at justifying what we are doing or want to believe. “It’s okay if I have a second piece of pie, I had a really hard day and I’ll go for an extra long walk tomorrow.” While it can feel scary to admit to being involved in a dysfunctional relationship, honesty is the first step toward healing. Facing the problem allows you to build a better relationship dynamic or let go of people who can’t or won’t be healthy partners for you.
2. Study Your Past
The next step on your path to healing is to take a look at your family history to uncover experiences that may have contributed to your co-dependency. What were relationships like in your family of origin? What messages or events led to you to disconnect from your inner emotions? Who told you that their reality was more valid than what your inner voice told you?
This can be a difficult process and one that involves reliving childhood emotions. You may find that you feel guilty for admitting you were wounded in your formative years by people who you care about. This type of work can be difficult and is best done in a safe therapeutic relationship.
3. Detach from Unhealthy Involvements
In order to truly work on ourselves, we have to first detach from what we are obsessed with. Personal growth will require giving up the over-involvement with trying to change, control, or please someone else. While this sometimes means letting go of the relationship, it can also mean changing how we see our role in the relationship. Learning to differentiate what is ours or not ours and letting go and acknowledging we cannot fix problems that are not ours.
4. Learn Self-care
Giving up your excessive attempts to please others is a good start to healing, but learning self-care is absolutely necessary. It’s important that you first begin to become aware of your own thoughts, feelings, and needs. Then learn how to communicate them in a relationship. This may feel selfish, but try thinking of it as putting on your oxygen mask in a plane. If you put yours on first, you can help all of the people around you, if you don’t you will passed out in the isle. Self care not only makes us feel better, but it also gives us more resources to share.
5. Get Good at Saying “No”
One of the best ways you can begin to set healthy boundaries is to learn to say “no” to situations that are not healthy for you. This will feel awkward at first, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. It will also mean that when you say “yes,” you can feel good about what you have agreed to.
Seeking the guidance of a therapist will be beneficial as you work your way through these five steps. They will be able to help you safely explore your painful feelings and experiences and learn healthy ways of relating to yourself and others. If you or a loved one is co-dependent and interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today for a free initial consultation session.
Our early interactions with our parents, or primary caregivers, form the basis of how we see ourselves and others. Growing up, many of us heard messages like kids are meant “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak until you are spoken to.” These messages are not a problem when it is pulled out […]
Our early interactions with our parents, or primary caregivers, form the basis of how we see ourselves and others. Growing up, many of us heard messages like kids are meant “to be seen and not heard” or “don’t speak until you are spoken to.” These messages are not a problem when it is pulled out selectively, like to survive holiday dinners with as little stress as possible. However, when a child is consistently given the message that he/she doesn’t matter, it is difficult to grow into an adult capable of healthy relationships with self and others.
Children who suffer from Childhood Emotional Neglect (CEN), were raised to believe that not only do their ideas not matter, but neither do their feelings or needs. This chronic neglect, this lack of being treated as a valuable person, gives the message “you don’t matter.”
These children grow up to become adults who still believe they don’t matter, and that they shouldn’t burden others with their needs or feelings. This cycle of worthlessness is painful and destructive, but it can be broken.
Here are 3 ways you can start to heal from childhood emotional neglect:
You most likely grew up believing your own needs and emotions were the enemy or would get you in trouble. You may have even been made to feel ashamed because of them.
In order to heal you must change your relationship with these aspects of yourself. Learning to recognize and to embrace your needs and emotions allows you to have a fuller life experience. You can start to do this by observing and validating your own emotions. When understood and managed, emotions can provide valuable information, propel us, and help facilitate positive change.
Growing up, you might have felt like adults were dangerous. After all, it was the adults in your life that made you feel worthless. Now that you are grown, you may still have a natural instinct to keep people at a safe distance to protect yourself. In order to heal, you have to stop pushing people away, instead, invite them into your life. When we form relationships with genuine, caring and honest people, we feel good about ourselves while adding value to our lives.
Survivors of CEN all have one thing in common: they don’t really know themselves. That’s because the people in their lives who should know them the best and accept them unconditionally wouldn’t or couldn’t connect in this way.
Now is the time for you to fully recognize the truth, you are absolutely worth knowing! It is your responsibility to get to know yourself and show yourself the love and acceptance that you did not receive as a child. Knowing who you are, what you like, want, need, love, value, desire in this life will give you a firm foundation from which to propel yourself into an awesome future.
Recovering from any kind of emotional trauma is not easy. It is a personal journey that will contain many highs and lows. However, taking the journey, one step at a time, will lead you to a wonderful life, one that you deserve. If you or a loved one is suffering from CEN and would like to explore treatment options, please get in touch with me for a free consultation session.
Life is full of moments that cause us to feel stressed or nervous. Situations like public speaking, starting a new school, and trying to ace that important job interview can make us fearful, resulting in sleepless nights and performance jitters. However, when the fear becomes persistent and overwhelming and interferes with everyday life, “normal fear” […]
Life is full of moments that cause us to feel stressed or nervous. Situations like public speaking, starting a new school, and trying to ace that important job interview can make us fearful, resulting in sleepless nights and performance jitters.
However, when the fear becomes persistent and overwhelming and interferes with everyday life, “normal fear” becomes a full-blown anxiety disorder.
While a licensed therapist should be consulted to develop a plan for treating your anxiety disorder, yoga can be helpful addition. It is an effective and natural way to get some relief from symptoms like trouble sleeping, muscle tension, and chronic digestive upset.
Yoga, it turns out, can help in anxiety management in a few different ways:
1. Yoga Builds Confidence
Anxiety can result from a lack of confidence in our ability to handle negative situations that may arise. We are not so much fearful of public speaking, as we are fearful that we are somehow going to “mess it up” or “look like a fool.”
Yoga is a major confidence-builder because it works to strengthen the body and mind at the same time. The practice includes body postures, breathing techniques, and meditation, which can help a person feel calm, centered, and ready to take on new challenges.
2. Yoga Distracts Your Mind from the Negative Loop
What can you do when your mind seems to be stuck on an endless loop of negative and worrisome thoughts? Purposefully put you mind somewhere else.
Yoga trains a person to focus their thoughts on the moment, specifically by thinking only of their rhythmic breath and body posture. As soon as the mind wanders to its typical negative thinking, the practitioner simply guides it back to the breath and body without anger or judgement. Feelings of calmness and acceptance naturally follow intense breath work and mindfulness.
3. Yoga is like Your Inner Therapist
Yoga is a wonderful compliment to therapy because, like your therapist, yoga helps you to observe how your inner world. And, also like your therapist, there is no judgement involved. Mediation is simply about paying attention to the thoughts and feelings that you are having, thereby giving you choice in how you respond through awareness.
If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment for your anxiety disorder, please contact me today for a free consultation session.
Keeping your kids safe and healthy is no longer enough according to research, now they have to be happy too! So, you are already doing one of the toughest jobs on the planet and now it is even more challenging. It turns out that happiness is a big advantage in the real world for success. […]
Keeping your kids safe and healthy is no longer enough according to research, now they have to be happy too! So, you are already doing one of the toughest jobs on the planet and now it is even more challenging.
It turns out that happiness is a big advantage in the real world for success. According to this study, happy people are more likely to earn a college degree, land a good job with better pay, and get promoted more quickly than unhappy people.
So, how exactly can you help your teen transform into a happy and successful adult?
Build Resilience
Part of being happy comes from knowing your own resilience; knowing that when life knocks you down, you’ll get right back up. While some innate factors like being attractive and intelligent might make life easier, resilience is a skill that can be developed and fostered.
You can help your child build resilience by teaching them how to put things into perspective and be cognitively flexible. Being able to face challenges and adapt to constant change means recognizing the significance, or insignificance, of life events. Teach your kids not to sweat the small stuff and choose their battles wisely. Also, to look at problems from multiple angles to avoid tunnel vision.
Instill Productivity
Feelings of accomplishment naturally lead to happiness and we feel good about ourselves when we are productive individuals; as long as we learn recognize our effort and accomplishment. You can instill this sense of worth by allowing your child to take on more decision-making power and encourage them to feel proud of their hard work and accomplishments.
It’s also important that you help your teen discover their interests, talents, and abilities. People that know their passions and what makes them tick are well prepared for reaching goals.
Encourage Independence
It may seem counterintuitive, but teenagers cannot gain independence on their own. They simply don’t have the perspective or experience necessary to separate from you. Independence is actually a gift you give to your children. You can help your teen become more independent by:
You and your teenager are embarking on an exciting journey; one with many ups and downs. The best thing you can do is to let your kid know you are there for them and that they can talk to you about anything. Good communication is essential during this time.
Therapy can help support parents and teens through this challenging time. For parents, it can help to have someone outside of your circle who you can talk through your parenting struggles without judgement. For teens, it can help to have another adult perspective and they are often more willing to listen to adults outside of close family members. If you think therapy might be helpful for your parenting worry or to help your teen, give me a call to schedule a free consultation.
While having kids can be the greatest joy in the world, the hard work and unpredictability cause also a great deal of anxiety. Here are some simple ways to bring yourself to a place of calm. Make a To-Do List Being a parent means that you are always “on.” It can be easy for your […]
While having kids can be the greatest joy in the world, the hard work and unpredictability cause also a great deal of anxiety. Here are some simple ways to bring yourself to a place of calm.
Make a To-Do List
Being a parent means that you are always “on.” It can be easy for your mind to get stuck in overdrive and think about the never-ending “to-do” list items over and over. Help yourself by writing down an actual list, so that you can prioritize more easily and not feel the need to keep rehearsing. When new items pop up add them to the list and remind yourself that they won’t be forgotten, so you can let go for now.
Watch Your Language
Many times parents believe things will get better when their children move on to the next phase of their maturity. However, the truth is that the worry will continue until you change your thought patterns. You deserve to enjoy your life now and so do your children. Let yourself focus on what you value and how to build more of that in to your current situation.
To do this, watch the language you use to describe things. Try and avoid extreme or rejecting language phrases such as, “this will be a disaster if I don’t get it done on time” or “I can’t wait for the terrible twos to be over.” Instead, re-frame to neutral or positive, “this is important to me to complete” or “this phase has many wonders and challenges.”
Also change thoughts of “I have to” to “I want to”. For example, instead of saying “I have to sign the kids up for karate” say, “I want to sign the kids up for karate because it will enrich their lives.”
Get Some Fresh Air
There’s nothing like some fresh air and sunlight to ease anxiety. Put your baby in a stroller and go for a walk around the block, to a neighbor’s house, or a local park. Take your kids to an outdoor mall or sit on the patio of a frozen yogurt shop and share a frozen treat. Your local library may also have outdoor patio areas where you can read with your kids.
Practice Mindfulness Exercises
If your anxiety is difficult to control, try deep-breathing from your belly. While you do this, concentrate on five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell and one thing you can taste. This can help calm you when you’re feeling a panic or anxiety attack start to arise.
Use Your Support Network
Call your friends or family to chat or ask for advice. It may also help to vent with a Facebook parenting group or other online message board. You can also call your therapist and make an appointment and work through your challenges.
Try these tips to control and cope with your anxiety, and enjoy the time with your children without anxiety getting in the way. If you find your anxiety to be impacting your ability to be a happy, successful parent, it might be time to speak with a professional who can help. Please contact me today for a free initial consultation session.
Today’s parents are expected to do everything perfectly. To make healthy meals, help with homework, schedule play dates, drive carpools, and show up to every game, recital, and parent-teacher conference showered and smiling. Oh, and they must also save up for college tuition for one, two, or more kids. While parenting is serious business, it […]
Today’s parents are expected to do everything perfectly. To make healthy meals, help with homework, schedule play dates, drive carpools, and show up to every game, recital, and parent-teacher conference showered and smiling. Oh, and they must also save up for college tuition for one, two, or more kids.
While parenting is serious business, it shouldn’t be serious all of the time. Parents need to remember to take advantage of the fact that they live with kids. After all, kids are geniuses at living in the moment and not sweating the small stuff. Kids, even older ones, are more than happy to have fun at a moment’s notice and nothing sounds sweeter than a child’s laughter.
It’s important to remember that parenting should be fun. If we focus too much on being good parents by getting all the stuff done, we’ll miss out on making wonderful memories with our kids.
Here are some ways you can start having more fun with your kids:
Be in the Moment
I guarantee, your eight-year-old doesn’t spend much time worrying about their schedule the following day or regretting a decision they made the day before. They are most likely fully engaged in the moment. All of their thoughts, feelings, and senses are involved in whatever activity they are doing right now.
Adults call this mindfulness, and if you’ve spent any time meditating, you know what I’m talking about. Your first step to having more fun with your kids is to be right there in the moment with them. Try not to let your mind wander to all of those very adult responsibilities. Follow your child’s lead and experience what is actually happening right now. Just be – with them.
Share Your Passions with Your Kids
If the idea of watching Dora the Explorer for three hours or playing Lego doesn’t thrill you, your kids will know you’re faking it. Why not introduce your kids to something you love to do?
If you love arts & crafts, why not start a creative project with your kids? Love cooking? Get them in the kitchen and teach them or take a cake decorating class together. Your kids don’t really care what they do with you, they just want to be with you. Sure, your teenager might be harder to sell on your hobbies, but try taking turns picking the activity and you can both learn something new.
Make Not Fun Things Fun
We don’t all have countless hours to devote to taking a class with our kids or going to the bowling alley every weekend. But this doesn’t mean we can’t have fun with them.
The truth is, ANY activity can be fun if we intend it to be. Doing the dishes together after dinner? See who can realistically quack like a duck. Have to study boring vocabulary words? Use a funny accent. Stuck in traffic on the way home from practice? Make up a song about the adventure.
When it comes to having more fun with your kids, there aren’t any rules, except to just do it.
Often anxious parents struggle the most with stopping the work and worry to play and connect with their children. If you are worried about passing on your anxious patterns or missing out on the joys of parenting, talking to a therapist can help. If you’d like to explore treatment options, please contact me to discuss setting up a free initial consultation session.
Some people seem to be born with thinner skin, like their nerves are on the outside. These people tend to be more sensitive than their parents, brothers and sisters, or the kids in their class. They can’t get through a movie (even a comedy!) or a TV commercial without shedding a few tears. The slightest […]
Some people seem to be born with thinner skin, like their nerves are on the outside. These people tend to be more sensitive than their parents, brothers and sisters, or the kids in their class. They can’t get through a movie (even a comedy!) or a TV commercial without shedding a few tears. The slightest bit of criticism causes them real pain, and they are empathic to anyone around them.
Chances are these people are told by everyone, “You’re too sensitive!” Well the truth is, some people are more sensitive than others. They are not only sensitive to emotions, but also to energy, sound, light, and other physical stimulus. These people are, literally, called Highly Sensitive People, or HSP for short.
Are You a Highly Sensitive Person? See if the following characteristics ring true for you.
You’re very emotional
Whether positive or negative, you experience emotions intensely, react strongly to them, and cry easily.
You’re very compassionate and generous
You have always been a natural caretaker, seeking to offer comfort and help to those who suffer. You also go out of your way to avoid offending anyone or hurting their feelings.
You’re sensitive to criticism
Criticism doesn’t feel constructive, it feels personal and painful. You are not able to let it roll off your shoulders as others do, and therefore allow criticism to keep you safe in your comfort zone.
You feel different from everyone else and sometimes alone
You’ve always known, or had it pointed out to you, that you were somehow different from everyone else. Because other people have told you that you need to “toughen up,” you see your sensitivity as a weakness and often feel alone.
You’re sensitive to external stimuli
While no one else around you seems to notice that the buzz of the overhead lights is driving you nuts! As is the sound of your coworkers chewing, the rough fabric of your shirt, and the smell of the extravagant flower arrangement.
You over think and worry
You notice every detail and over think what should be a simple decision, like where to go for lunch. You also get stuck in the rehashing and what-if rut.
You’re intuitive
You walk into a room and instantly get a “feel” for it. You know how people are feeling. This is fine when the energy is positive, but when it’s negative… watch out!
You’re often tired and overwhelmed
Because you deal with the emotions of yours and others, as well as, so much stimulation all day-every day, you easily become overwhelmed by all of it and feel as though you need to sleep more.
What You Can Do
Living life as a HSP is not easy, but there are some things you can do:
If at any time you find yourself feeling depressed or anxious because of your sensitivity, it’s important that you seek the guidance of a therapist who can help you manage your emotions. If you or a loved one are a HSP and would like to seek treatment options, please get in touch with me to schedule a free consultation session.
Quick question: Do you like yourself? When asked this question, many people respond by saying something like, “Sure, of course I like myself.” While their words say they like themselves, what do their actions say? Are you someone who’s comfortable in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance? Are you constantly comparing yourself […]
Quick question: Do you like yourself?
When asked this question, many people respond by saying something like, “Sure, of course I like myself.” While their words say they like themselves, what do their actions say?
Are you someone who’s comfortable in their own skin? Are you happy with your appearance? Are you constantly comparing yourself to others, wishing you could be more like them? When you look in the mirror, what do you see? A superstar, or someone who doesn’t quite live up to your own expectations?
The thing is, our self-esteem is based on how we feel about ourselves, right now in this moment. Sure, it’s okay to strive to become a better version of ourselves, so long as we accept this current version, flaws and all is fine right now.
If you’re someone who is overly self-critical, here are 5 ways you can learn to like yourself better:
1. Enjoy Your Accomplishments
Some people are so focused on everything that’s wrong with them, they overlook at what’s right. When you’ve done something well, it’s important that you admit this success and enjoy it.
It doesn’t have to be something huge, either. Anytime you do something kind, something better than the last time you tried, or when you do the “right thing.” If you made a really delicious lasagna, allow yourself the pleasure of enjoying every single bite and happily receive any compliments from those you cooked for. Or accept the “thank you” or smile you receive for holding the door for a stranger.
2. Understand That No One is Perfect
If you’ve been comparing yourself to other people, it’s time for you to stop and realize that no one is perfect. Not the models you see on the cover of magazines, nor the actors in the movies. They have professional makeup artists, careful lighting, and many of them have been photo-shopped.
Not even the so-called perfect among us are actually perfect. The sooner you can accept this fact the sooner you can relax and like who you are.
3. Have Patience with Yourself
Perhaps there are things about yourself that you would like to change. Do you want to lose weight, get healthier, learn a new language?
Often we hate ourselves for not reaching impossible goals we have set for ourselves. If there are goals you would like to reach, be realistic in setting timelines and be patient with yourself. Also, make sure to give yourself credit for steps in the right direction. Liking yourself isn’t a place to get to, it is a way to live.
4. Look at Your Past with a Kind Eye
Sometimes we don’t like ourselves because of past actions and behaviors. It’s important to cut yourself some slack. When you were young, you may not have always acted kindly toward loved ones or strangers. Maybe you acted selfishly more often than you care to admit, but this is a part of being young. We can only learn and grow from mistakes by making them first.
So embrace your past, warts and all, as the path towards becoming who you are today. Then continue your journey knowing that the mistakes you make now are helping you grow into even better version of yourself tomorrow.
5. Like “Most” of Yourself
You may never like 100% of yourself, and that’s okay. Strive to like 80% or 90%. You can still live an incredibly happy life when you think ‘only’ 85% of you is awesome.
A healthy self-esteem is important to our overall well-being, but getting there can be difficult, especially if you’ve suffered from a low self-esteem your entire life. Working with a therapist can be very beneficial. Someone who is impartial and completely new to you can help you gain clarity and a new perspective on yourself and your life. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today to discuss setting up a free consultation session.
Most children are brought up to be kind and respectful of other people. They are taught to consider others’ feelings and help those in need. However, when it comes to taking care of themselves, many people lack the ability to put their own needs first. To some, the concept of self-care is as foreign as […]
Most children are brought up to be kind and respectful of other people. They are taught to consider others’ feelings and help those in need. However, when it comes to taking care of themselves, many people lack the ability to put their own needs first.
To some, the concept of self-care is as foreign as the language and customs of far away lands. The idea of putting their own needs first feels somehow wrong, or even selfish.
The good news is that it’s never too late to learn to treat yourself as you do others; to put yourself first in a healthy, energizing way. Here are some ways you can rewire your brain so it becomes increasingly easier to put yourself first, thereby recharging your life.
Learn to Say No
Being a caring and compassionate person is wonderful, but sacrificing yourself by saying “yes” all the time to other people’s needs will deplete your energy. As you learn to say “no,” it will be an adjustment for you and the people close to you. However, healthy people in your life will respect that you are caring for yourself. It will also give you more energy for when you do say “yes” and you will be genuinely agreeing to be there, so no passive-aggressive overflow from conflicted feelings. Try to start saying “no” more often and if any guilt pops up, remind yourself that you are saying “yes” to caring for yourself!
Ask for Help
When you’ve taken on the role of helping others, it can feel uncomfortable asking for help when you need it. After all, you’re the one people go to when in need how can you possibly allow yourself to be in a position where help is required?
The thing to remember is, some of these people who come to you for help feel no shame or discomfort in asking for it. They need help, they ask for it, they get it. So why not follow their lead? On the other hand, some people who have difficulty asking for help may feel better if it is a two-way street. You might actually help them feel that the relationship is balanced by asking them for help too. This can bring you closer together and get you the support that you need.
As soon as you release the pressure you’ve put on yourself to handle everything alone, you will feel a tremendous weight lifted and feel more connected to those around you.
Get to Know Yourself!
Do you know what makes you tick? What do you like and dislike? People who are wired to neglect their own needs don’t typically know themselves very well. Knowing oneself is seen as a luxury that they don’t deserve.
Self-love and self-care require you get to know your SELF. Take some time to discover what you enjoy. Once you find what it is that makes you feel good and commit to doing it more often. Look for balance in various domains that contribute to your satisfaction – fun, achievement, helping, exercise, etc. Having more pleasure in your life will make you a happier person.
Taking these actions will have a tremendous impact on your life. As you get better and better at putting your needs first, you will feel happier and more empowered. You will know, deep down, that your own needs matter and you are worth the effort.
Some people have a tremendously hard time with these exercises because they have a very low self-esteem. And the longer you have lived with a low self-esteem, the harder it is to make positive changes. In these instances, seeking the guidance of a trained therapist can be incredibly beneficial. He or she can help you work through any childhood trauma and provide tools to manage any anxiety or depression that often accompanies a low self-esteem. If you or a loved one is interested in exploring treatment, please contact me today for a free session.
When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person. Now you may […]
When was the last time you heard from your inner critic? You know, that voice in your head that constantly judges you, puts you down and compares you to others. The one that tells you you’re not good enough or smart enough and says things you would never dream of saying to another person.
Now you may think this inner critic, while annoying, is relatively harmless. But this is simply not the case. This inner critical voice limits you and stops you from living the life you truly desire. It hinders your emotional well-being and, if left unchecked, can even lead to depression or anxiety.
Here are some ways you can silence that inner critic and stop beating yourself up.
That’s right, in order to gain control over your inner critic you have to know that it exists. Most of our thinking is automatic. In other words, we don’t give our thoughts much thought. We barely notice a critical thought has passed. Give attention to your thoughts, all of them. This will help you recognize the critical voice.
Here are some emotional clues the critic has reared its ugly head: whenever you feel doubt, guilt, shame, and worthlessness. These are almost always signs of the critic at work.
Your inner critic is a part of you, not your core self. You were not born with this part, but developed it along the way to protect you. However, it has gotten overdeveloped over time and now may hurt more than it helps. Your inner critic doesn’t know that it isn’t really you and so acts as if it’s speaking in your voice.
You have to separate yourself from this part. One way to do that is to give your critic a name. Have fun with this naming. You could call your inner critic anything from “Todd” to “Miss Overprotective.” It doesn’t matter what the name is, but try to avoid increasing the negativity in your choice.
What matters most is that you learn to separate it from your authentic self.
When you recognize your inner critic is speaking to you, thank it for trying to help, but let it know that you don’t need it’s protection in that way. Tell it you are choosing to be kind and compassionate to yourself from now on. Invite the critical part to take on a new supporting role, as you move forward towards health.
To create this new voice, start noticing the good things about yourself. No matter what that critic said about you, the truth is you have fantastic traits and abilities. Start focusing on those. Yes, it will be hard at first to let yourself see you in a positive light, but the more you do it, the easier it will get.
Life is short. To have the most fulfilling one possible, we have to stop wasting time on beating ourselves up. Take these 4 steps and learn to quiet that inner critic and increase your self compassion.
Some people’s inner critic is stronger than others. Sometimes the greatest ally you can have in your corner is an impartial third-party, a therapist who can see you for who you really are. If you or a loved one could use some help quieting your inner critic and would like to explore therapy, contact me today to schedule a free consultation session.